Returning to Work After Baby (Is it supposed to feel this hard?)

Returning to work after giving birth represents a time of intense vulnerability for new parents. There are the logistics to work out: childcare, pumping schedules, and inbox management. Less frequently discussed are the challenges that come with managing the profound changes to your identity, priorities, and values that often occur after becoming a parent.  

You have just navigated one of the most physically, psychologically, and spiritually intense transformations a human can experience. But when you walk back into the office, the world expects you to be the person you were before.

It is a strange, jarring experience. Your entire internal landscape has fundamentally changed, yet to the rest of the world, it’s “business as usual.”

The Identity Shift: When Values Realign

For many of us, our careers were a primary source of identity before parenthood. But becoming a parent can reshuffle our entire value system. Parenting often brings a new sense of meaningfulness and mattering as we build relationships with our children and watch them grow. Similarly, priorities shift when we become responsible for another human life.

If work suddenly feels less central or carries a different meaning, you’re experiencing something common. And it doesn’t mean that work won’t regain centrality at a later point when your children are more independent. It is ok for priorities to shift as the needs of ourselves and our families change over time.

The Physical and Emotional Toll

In the United States, the reality is stark: most parents return to work long before they are ready. With no federal paid family leave policy, parents have little control over their return-to-work process. Even “generous” parental leave benefits from private employers pale in comparison to universal benefits in other industrialized nations, and fail to meet minimum standards supported by research (research suggests less than 12 weeks of paid leave puts people at risk for developing postpartum depression). This presents some serious physical and emotional challenges for new parents

• Recovery from Child Birth. Most expecting parents are told to expect a Recovery period of 6-8 weeks. However, research suggests that physical healing after childbirth is an ongoing process that can extend across the first postpartum year and beyond, particularly for pelvic floor and musculoskeletal recovery. There is also the, often forgotten, emotional recovery from childbirth. 30% - 45% of birthing people experience their births as traumatic. Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) are among the most common complications of childbirth, yet receive little attention in obstetric care or in our broader cultural space. So often, new mothers return to work while they are still healing physically and emotionally and are expected to function as if their birth never happened.

• The Biological Tether: For breastfeeding parents, the body provides a visceral reminder of the separation from their babies. The physical sensation of full breasts is a biological signal that it is time to feed your baby; this can be emotionally intense and physically uncomfortable. Many employers haven’t the first clue about their legal obligation to support lactating employees or the challenges of pumping at work. Even if you have a supportive boss, the emotional and cognitive burden of shifting from work tasks to pumping and back again can be taxing.

• The Exhaustion Factor: Society expects professional-level performance on a fragmented, sleep-deprived brain. Night-waking through the first year (and beyond) is biologically normal and expected, yet we have no systems or structures to support us through this time of sleep deprivation. Sleep is foundational to mental health, and without it, the risk for postpartum depression and anxiety spikes significantly. It is important to recognize that a brain navigating long-term sleep fragmentation cannot—and should not be expected to—process complex work demands with the same speed as before.

Too Much to Do and Not Enough Time to Do It

If you feel like you are failing at everything, you’re not alone. In fact, the emotional toll of competing demands of work and parenthood is so common that organizational psychologists have come up with names for these experiences.

• Role Overload: This happens when the expectations of your various roles (parent, employee, partner, household manager) simply exceed your available time and energy.

• The “Second Shift": Despite entering the workforce in record numbers, women’s responsibilities at home haven't decreased proportionally. Even breadwinning mothers often shoulder the majority of household labor due to ingrained patriarchal expectations.

• This creates a cycle of Work-Family Conflict, where the demands of one role inevitably bleed into and "sabotage" the other. It leaves many mothers feeling like they are failing in both arenas, when in reality, the arena itself is poorly designed.

A Moment of Radical Grace

If you feel you’re constantly under water, take a breath. You are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. We live in a system that degrades working parents’ wellbeing by making it impossible for them to tend to work and family in a way that is nourishing and sustainable. Send yourself some gratitude. Despite this impossible system, you are showing up for your children. Your presence, even when it feels fractured or messy, is enough.